By Lynn Aurélie Attemene. Illustration by Rosie Olang

No one could claim to know what the world would look like after; after COVID-19…

For me, this pandemic was heaven’s way of punishing us for so many reasons, and rightfully so. A necessary evil that, from a distance, could allow us to stop and reflect on life, human beings, the universe, nature and more importantly, on the law of nature which differed from social norms created by men; norms that prevented a number of human beings from enjoying their right to life, to freedom.

Not being able to go out as much was painful for me. I was not exactly a homebody. Staying at home forced me to face my inner self and it was far from a pleasurable experience. Being alone with myself was unpleasant and unbearable. Here I was having to process a break-up with my partner who, convinced that the pandemic was a sign of the end of the world, had decided to enter the convent to repent for being a lesbian. She had become a nun, “married to Christ” as they say in the Catholic Church. I also had to deal with myself, this being who was so vulnerable and needed constant reassurance. Because of COVID-19, my wife had left me to marry God. This pandemic! What a pain!

When I went outside, it was for very specific reasons. No one could go out like they wanted to. Every time I came back from my errands, I found myself calculating my expenses. Nothing hurt more than having to buy a new mask every time I had to go into a store because yes, I always misplaced or dropped the previous one, not being used to its presence in my life. This little object made me very angry because it prevented me from breathing properly. Besides, the money spent on this accessory could have gone to my savings.

It seemed that whoever held the remote control to this new life had misplaced it after having put us on pause. And now, they were struggling to find it, forcing us to move more slowly, to make more precise calculations and to question ourselves. For me, this pause was still a necessary evil because people were no longer talking about other people’s life choices. Everyone was focused on their own life. The places where people usually socialized and gossipped were now empty to allow other inhabitants of nature to finally experience life. Those who had no time to judge, to mock, to settle scores, to insult, to threaten, to create conflicts, to hinder the life of others, were taking advantage of the silence, of the pause of humans. The air was pure…

My nosy neighbor, who used to sneakily look out her door whenever she heard footsteps, had become more discreet. Now, she not only spared me her criticisms and preaching but had also become more attentive, asking caring and sensible questions. “Are you doing okay…? Are you eating right…? Take care of yourself.” If I may, I thank COVID-19 for this peace. You would too if you had a neighbor like mine.

But the loneliness was beginning to wear me down, so I decided to leave my apartment to be with my family. If it was really the end of the world as my ex thought, it was better to be surrounded by my brothers and sisters. My ex enjoyed sending me Bible verses every morning and encouraged me to change. Speaking of my ex, she delighted in sending me pictures of her with her parents, all proud to see their daughter with a Bible in hand and a big cross around her neck. To me, the whole thing was more of a boring comedy show than reality. I knew her. She was the most woman-obsessed person I knew. I wondered if she really thought she had saved her soul by lying to herself the way she did.

With COVID-19, everyone found ways to keep busy. I kept busy by inviting myself into their picture to make it more “gay” and more real. I imagined myself right in the middle, holding her hand, and her parents next to me, smiling at me with great affection. In another life, they would certainly have been proud to have their daughter married to me. In front of the picture, I closed my eyes and I could see her mother taking my hand and asking me to go shopping with her, so happy to have me as her daughter-in-law. I could also see her father settling our couple fights in the presence of my parents. And all together, I could see us sharing wine while discussing how we would have our future children. An atmosphere of peace, well-being, equality, joy, harmony, tenderness and kindness. I could also see myself in conversations with her brothers filled with love and naturalness. My thoughts happily transported me to her adioukrou village where I had attended a generation party before but was introduced as her best friend. This time, in my imagination, I was inviting myself as her wife. Her grandmother would treat me with much more attention and would introduce me to the neighborhood with pride. And that is what this photo should have portrayed.

Because of COVID-19, my wife had left me to marry God. This pandemic! What a pain!

“You’re here madam.”

The driver had said “madam”. It may seem banal, but this sign of politeness was so rare. Could it be possible that people were changing? That’s the question I asked myself. This made me smile and I decided to leave him a 500 FCFA tip. This is how the world should be, polite and kind. All in all, I had high expectations of this world, after this pause of humanity. Yes, I had high expectations.

Happy to be back with family, I laid down on my younger sister’s bed to continue dreaming because on that day, I wanted to do nothing else but be in another world, in my imaginary world. We would probably go back to work soon. I wondered if people were questioning themselves like I was, and if they were, if they were doing it properly. I was really concerned about this. I didn’t want to go back to work and get back to a boss who would spend his time judging and calling people names when tasks were not done as he expected. Instead, I imagined him talking to us with more respect, more restraint, more concern for our mental well-being.

Further on, I imagined having constructive conversations with my colleagues during our lunch breaks. Those would be nothing like those conversations where I had so little to say; where people like me, homosexuals, were judged without their consent. To my colleagues, we were criminals and had to be killed or locked up. During such conversations, I wouldn’t really express myself because my voice alone would not have been able to defend an entire community. So I would just listen and on the rare occasions when I would speak up, I would be quickly cut off.

In my thoughts, in my world, there were constructive conversations. I imagined my colleagues listening to me with attention and consideration. I would imagine them respecting me. I would imagine us discussing the ‘issues’ calmly, sharing our opinions without judgment. Because even if they didn’t agree with certain sexualities, they shouldn’t criminalize or judge them.

This world that my mind was creating was pure, sweet, loving, altruistic. It was a good place to live. In this world, we really had a say. We were given a choice. Our parents listened to us and understood our lives. People had meaningful discussions. Everyone cared about each other and did not interfere with each other’s lives. Too good, you might say. And yet, this is the world we should all be dreaming of. And who knows, maybe it could become real. In this world, human beings would be more attentive to others and to nature. People would be gentle, loving.

“Your sister has finally decided to join the family for the lockdown.”

My father’s voice brought me back to reality. He had just returned home. There were lots of groceries in the car. I felt good. No more headaches because of endless expenses and calculations. And as my imagination was irrepressible that day, I allowed myself to imagine my father asking me about my wife, with a smile on his face. I also imagined my brothers teasing me about their beautiful sister-in-law.

“Why have you been smiling like that since you got here?”

Even if I answered, my sister would not have understood. She would not have understood how I could be in such a wonderful world when I was physically next to them; that my imagination could take me on this beautiful journey that I alone was leading. This world that I had built in the depths of my mind was pleasant. I could have taken them with me but they were not ready. It would have required them to question themselves; to reconsider all aspects of life, not just themselves. No. They were far from ready to visit this world. There was still work to be done.

Tonight, we were going to have dinner together. I was happy. If I had known earlier that things would turn like this with this pandemic, I would have been with my family since day one. Is this how it is for every family? Finally, something positive! As we were all together, my thoughts took me away again.

A family dinner…

Across from me, I imagined my wife sitting next to my father helping him open a bottle of wine. But instead of this image, I was seeing my brother tending to this mundane task. I would have been so proud if that bottle of wine was in my wife’s hands.

“A penny for your thoughts, daughter?”

“I was imagining a world where we would all be equal, without exception.”

I should have continued. I shouldn’t have stopped there. I should have taken advantage of the situation. Perhaps it was the right time. I could see that my father was in the mood to talk about anything. His smile was endless. Even if coming out seemed impossible, I could at least have asked what he thought about gay people. Did he also think that we were responsible for the atrocities of this world and that we should be judged and killed like many people on social media?

This picture of my family at that moment would have made a nice postcard. It was nothing like the family photo my ex had sent me, convinced of her conversion. I try not to judge her behavior even though I find it absurd and disrespectful to her god. Oh… I’m not judging her, don’t worry. As long as she enjoys her new life, then that’s all that matters. One day, I will invite her into my world; my world full of dreams and colors. And perhaps, I will invite you too.